My brain has this beautiful ability to take me 0 to 60 on the freak out scale. There has been a blip in my smooth and blessed life and I am doing all I can to roll with it. We are moving and yes that is stressful in and of itself but we have 4 weeks of uncertainty between homes. We are packing everything up, putting it in storage and creating an adventure with our fur babies. We don’t know where we will be, yet. Our next home is truly paradise but we have this four week gap that could be anything. The possibilities are endless (I do know this logically) and yet my heart is freaking the eff out. The wild spirit in me yearns for the adventure and the fearful role model mother has so much heavy concern. I have made it all so significant.

Part of me is just tired and not wanting to have to choose which path to take. I want to leap and have the universe catch me as it always does, and the other part of me wakes me in the middle of night just to think. I ponder all of the choices and at the core of it all I have fear, and that fear stops me from loving this process, this part of my journey. While I love to think, I actually wish I could turn down the crazy stressful thoughts down a few notches. After all this is just another part in my journey and let’s be honest I have rocked it up until this point.

I know the power of my thoughts – that’s the worst part. I know how unnecessary my anguish is, AND yet the chaos in my mind continues.

I feel defeated and powerless. None of it is real and I can see how I made it all up AND it still winds me. I am drinking beautiful red wine in my onsie and blogging about my ‘troubles’ (which by the way is incredible in and of itself.) I am so friggin blessed. We all are. Whether we see it or not.These are all gifts.

I can truly laugh at the fact that I have engaged in a pity party the last 2 days. I share because I know I am not alone. I share because it feels so god-damn good to get it out. I share because I hope you never feel alone in any crazy thought YOU have. It’s all perfect – even the shitty parts of our fucked up serendipitous lives!

The stress and anxiety busted in like the breaking of a water damn. They consumed my entire world and I lost my footing. I have apologized to my family for all of it because I know I am bigger and better than this, that I know better…..and still my heart aches and I wallow. I am tired and I am need of more self care I suppose – or maybe just more red wine.

 

Being that I feel stuck I ask myself what I am gaining from remaining here.

 

I am here, in the place that doesn’t serve me – but god-damnit I get to be right and indignant as long as I choose to stay here. I get to play small and ‘turtle’ and take some time for me.

 

I met with some network friends today that were shocked I was having a bad day -they were shocked that I ever have bad days. The truth is I am shocked too. I usually don’t but when I do they are doozies. I am no stranger to these feelings, it’s just that I have had so many years of ‘being able to distinguish and conquer my crap on the fly’ it’s thrown me a bit. I can usually skim the surface of a bad mood or bad day and bounce back quicker than this. But I too am human…………….

 

Here I shall wallow – I give myself one more night. Me, my red wine and my onsie.

I get to choose my expiry date of these feelings – I have a few more hours and then it’s back to who I am know I truly am. Rocking the world – kicking ass- and taking names,  deal?

Wallow away and do what YOU need to do to heal your heart at any time, and then it’s game mofo on! You’re freaking awesome at every part of your journey – even this one!

 

Love,

Cindy