I have stopped making myself wrong for my wanting this.
I have embraced this piece and many others things about myself finally. In fact I have tried my damndest to get all my ‘stuff’ out the way of stepping fully into my powerful self.
Maybe I should start by explaining some of the things I have discovered? Growing up I took on the role of playing small. Sure I had glimmers of something more but I quickly kyboshed all of those in hopes of not rocking the boat. See I never felt as though my desire to help others grow and see things differently was a good thing…….only recently have I switched views and shifted my perspective on this and so much more.
I lost my Mother in February 2015. The last ten months have revealed so much for me. I have had many breakthroughs in taking full responsibility in my playing small. I used to think that it was her criticism and comments that caused me to retreat and downgrade my true self. I now see this is just another way of me avoiding responsibility and blaming my circumstance to avoid being bold and playing online casino live. She did what she did and I made up a whole slew of stuff about it AND that’s what kept me small.
See it’s not her voice at all – I actually created the language in my mind based on all the experiences I was having. I found evidence to make myself right in all the stories I created. It was all me – no one else can take credit or blame for any of it. That was a hard pill to swallow. I couldn’t wrap my head around that for quite a while. I actually felt as if my Mother was haunting me after she passed. But you know what? I was, I was being haunted, haunted by myself.
This post is for anyone who has ever wished that someone they love was different. For anyone who wished people would treat them different. For anyone who knows that if we could just have ‘others’ learn and grow that ‘our’ lives and self-esteem and world views would shift dramatically. Let’s all laugh together at this silly notion shall we? The magic lies in our growth and our learning not to mention our re-remembering’s! Oh how I yearn for reminders.
What I find most interesting is that I have been personally developing myself rigorously for a solid 6 years and only after my Mother’s death did this light bulb go off. Even with all I had learned, I was still using her as an excuse even after she died. Only then did I discover how she was never a valid excuse just a mere cop out on my part. Sheeeeesh – learning sucks sometimes you know?
My Mother did and said what she did and said. I then in turn made it mean ‘if I play small I won’t offend her’ and ‘if I don’t rock the boat or have an opposing view of any kind, it will all be easier’. Along the way I also made up ‘no one cares about me view’ and of my absolute favourites is ‘ who am I anyway?’ Can anyone realte? These are insanely paralyzing people – let’s all take a giant sigh, and let go of the crap in our minds together.
When I think of holding the space for everyone to feel complete and absolutely perfect just the way they are, and the way they are not, I get giddy – which I know full well will not be understood by most, but I will tell ya – it freakin lights me up. It feels so right. It feels so comfortable. It feels so magical and so in alignment. (Another future post will be on how to create relationships that pull the best of us forward – mmmmm so good and dare I say so rare.)
Getting my stuff/barriers out of the way has freed up so much in my world. I have done so much heavy lifting and put myself through the eyes of the needle in hopes of seeing what’s up inside of me– I have learned what makes me tick, I have learned what ticks me off and I have looked at what I make it all mean in the process.
I often say ‘it’s a fun place up in here, you ought to join me in my head.’
I have to add that my desire to heal the world does not come from ego or superiority – In fact – that very thought (and/or messages I collected along my journey ) has kept me from perusing my dreams. I had an entire list of ‘why nots’ tucked nice and close in my back pocket. The list was so extensive it over shadowed my ‘why’s’. I kept it in my pocket so I could whip it out when I was faced with critism or an opposing view of any kind. I refused to feel shocked or alarmed by unexpected negativity – so I kept it around on my own – (batshitcrazy right?) yup psssst most of us are 😉
It wasn’t until I surrounded myself with people who encouraged me to look at the whole picture did I pull back and get all this. We are all much more powerful than we can ever imagine. We are responsible (or irresponsible) for more energy exchange than we can comprehend. I choose my influences consciously now ( I have other posts on this topic coming – I have so much to say about this).
What I got clear on was how many barriers existed and that I couldn’t see. I often say ‘I know you already know this about me, but this is what I discovered today.’ It’s so true, those around us can see parts of us that our ego creativity hides from our awareness. It keeps us so safe and warm and blind.
Once we discover that it’s all perfect: our light as well as our darkness – absolutely freaking perfect.
Love to you all