I cannot believe what I have squeezed into 2015. It began with My Mother in the hospital and then moving her to hospice and saying goodbye in February. Through all that however, something amazing occurred. My Dad and I have completely transformed our relationship. I am not even sure I can describe my feelings around this. It’s almost incomprehensible to me. It’s one of those – ‘I had no idea I yearned to have this’ experiences. But after all that, I feel like the last 10 months have been a dream. I have never felt more powerful, I have never felt so calm and at ease. One thing you might not know about me is that I am a zen junkie and my fetish is relaxation. Because when I am not consciously striving to feel good – like the koolaid -man, my old ways bust in and take over. I have grown to dislike that version of myself. It was easy sure, don’t get me wrong, but that person was reactionary and completely unnecessary.
I am a firm believer that happiness brings balance to everything – and if we can get out of our damn way and learn all the ways we stop happiness – life is golden.
At this point in time, I am so freaking in love with my life and totally at ease this holiday season. To say the least this is in-fricken-sane to me. To date I have had 37 Christmases on autopilot, and this is the first one created with intention. But now that I am here and drinking it all in, I see how much stress and anxiety I lived with most of my life. Man was I intense and boy did I settle – on everything. I used to hate all those happy people that loved this time of year. They used to drive me nuts. I can see why now – I never thought Holiday Happiness was possible. Everything felt so obligatory and full of pressure. I never felt I was measuring up to others -Truth is I judged myself not good enough and caused the whole damn angst. Ahhh we are all so awesome aren’t we? We take and twist a whole god-damn month of December from love and turn it into insanity. And now we are trying to pull it back and start it all in November. Geeeez.
2015 was jammed packed for me and I have never been happier – and stress-free. It was not an easy year but the work was so worth it. I learned an incredible amount about me, life, the shit I’ve made up and clung to as if it was carved in stone and unchangeable. I was able to see my beliefs and have them melt away as I created new ways of thinking and being. I have seen who I have been for most of my life does not serve my highest greatest self, and knowing that has made a world of difference.
Life will continue to life me and I can only see myself getting more aware of me and my beautiful mind and my awareness will continue to grow but I have to say 2015 was pretty Awesome! I cannot wait to see was 2016 will hold!
Wherever you are on the spectrum of emotions, may you see you’re not alone, it won’t last forever (nothing does – even the good stuff), and you’re loved more than you know just for being you. Keep on, keepin on!
Stay present – that where the magic lives